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So, I thought today was going to be a work day, and it turned into a make-music day, which culminated in a new song. I don’t think it’s -that- great of a song, but to me it showcases new things I’ve learned with the program I’ve been using. Here it is, enjoy.

I don’t like starting a story with a tragic event, but in truth, I’m beginning to feel like tragic events are no less significant than any other kind of event. I was thinking about that at the grocery store the other day, my total came to exactly $20.00. “It’s your lucky day” the cashier told me, smiling, finally something interesting, they must have just gotten the job.

Yes, it is interesting, serendipitous, that I should choose precisely the correct amount of vegetables and fruits that my total would amount to an even dollar amount. But really, I though, actually it is not so lucky, I mean why this obsessions with even numbers. In fact, every total purchase amount should be fortuitous, and lucky. Really, the person before me with eggs and milk $7.59, I wonder how often their purchase matches that exact amount.

I began to think about how tragic events are not so significant, really, as I walked out of the store. Why should they excite a reading more than a guy going to the grocery store?

So, as I crossed the street, lost in my thoughts, you can imagine I was only mildly shocked when I was struck forcefully by a car running the red-light.

- – -

A little story I found in my notebook the other day, you know it’s fictional because when would I be a customer and not a cashier at a grocery store?

When I woke up this morning, I sat up and realized I was shaking, trembling. I felt like my entire body was trying to fit itself into another dimension, but the laws of time and space where keeping me trapped. That’s how I felt when I woke up this morning, trapped.

And when I reached for the two pills on my bedside, the ones I always set down before I go to sleep, I couldn’t help but pay close attention to the way they felt, the little capsules in my palm, and their movement as they slid down my throat and esophogus. It was almost surreal, but in a familiar sort of way. And then… the phone rang, and I was struck, not with the urgency to answer it, but with the energy and vivacity of its sound. It was almost alien, like someone was trying to contact me from another universe.

But then I tried to stand up and reality fell upon me like a cinderblock pressing me to the ground. My legs shook as I attempted to stand up and without warning, I felt a sudden coldness, like my body was being filled with ice-water. The phone continued to ring, and I knew it was you. But the more I attempted to answer it, the more I began to fear missing it, the more my fascination began to fade, the colder my body began to feel. Something was pulling me towards some mysterious shadowy country that I had never before seen, and the more I resisted, the harder I was pulled; and the harder I was pulled, the more I feared, until finally my knees locked and I stood, bracing the nightstand for support, only to fall to the floor sobbing.

When, finally, I was able to stand again and walk to the bathroom, I turned the warm water on and set my hands in the sink until control slowly crept back into my body. But as this happened, I realized that the control is only an illusion, a cheap trick our mind plays on our body, until our bodies grow weak, and no matter the strength of the mind, the strings the mind uses to waltz our bodies around like marionettes are cut one by one.

I have not grown isolated and cynical here in this small town, Ged and Maria visit me a couple times a week when they walk their dog, and I have Tom Shepherd the local sheriff stay to chat every Wednesday evening, he says the kids don’t make much of a ruckus when it isn’t the weekend. I enjoy my days here, even if I occasionally miss seeing you and your brothers.

But this morning, even after I had regained some false sense of dominance over my functions, I could no longer keep myself from knowing that every movement, every intention, every yearning, was driven by fear; fear of this incomprehensible void that has followed me my entire life.

And so I have written you this letter to tell you that, for once in my life, I have made the decision to let the final marionette string be cut, to face the void. I cannot continue to live in fear any longer, but if it be the way of the universe, I will die gladly in full embrace with the void.

But before I leave, you must know that my love for you, for everyone, is greater than I can describe, and unceasing. My body will not be here when you arrive, but my presence is, and has always been, with you. Illness, oldness, and death await me on the voyage to peak of Mount Henry, and with every emphatic step I take, from here to the end, I will meet them like old friends.

With abiding peace and love,

Charles

- – -

A letter one of my characters wrote to me today. A version of this will go into the book. The problem I’ve been dealing with is that the book is being written in first person, so I have no way to get the inners thoughts and feelings of the other characters out unless they’re telling them themselves to me, or in a letter. This letter is based off of a section of a story in which a dam is failing and the old man’s (Charles) house will be in the spill zone when they release the dam, but clearly, Charles has other issues on his mind. And the name, Charles, by the way, is a filler name. I don’t see myself sticking with it.

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I’ve been working on this song well over a month now and I’m so happy to have finished it. I started out with just the chord progression and built the rest from there. There were some exciting accomplishments with this one. In my opinion, it has my first ever successful build-up and climax. And it used a vocal loop as well, from my friend Taylor Gruye’. I like the end of the song quite a bit more than the beginning. And at the end of the song, that would be Taylor telling me, “don’t… don’t put that on the internet.”

Hope you enjoy. =D

I stood at the register, my feet holding the ground solidly beneath me. I wore a slight smile, the kind you can wear all day, as customers passed me by like waves, my hands pulling the cans of tomatoes and stalks of broccoli and celery over the little red eye in seeming slow-motion. Like a meditation, it was so simple, only the moment existed and I knew it, yet, secretly, I was indifferent to it. Every passing breath as empty as the moment that held it. Until a familiar man and woman came to the register. When I had first met them, many years ago, they were children and so was I. But here they were, before me, smiling, jolly with holiday cheer, ignorant of the moments passing before them, splashing them in the face.

I greeted them. They looked like they might be a couple, now, after all these years, and they’re together. 10 years in the same school. It’s enough to make this big city seem like a small town. They weren’t paying together. She just wanted a few chocolates, he wanted a soda. It was christmas eve, home for the holidays, holiday spirit. We must imagine each other to be such ordinary folk, but really, you, I, and our families, are as dainty and civilized as our cheap, tawdry smiles.

Of course, none of that really matters anymore. We’ve all grown up. I work in a grocery store, they live their lives. I couldn’t ever forget they’re faces, even now. Signs of age and maturity emanated from their pores. Let them have their life, I thought. Enough time has passed. Like moments, we move on. Still, the sight of them made my name-tag feel suddenly heavy on my collar.

“Is your last name Palmer?” he asked me. He had to ask me. I was surprised he hadn’t asked sooner.

“Yes. It is.” Here we go.

“We used to go to school together.”

“I know,” I said, maybe hoping to surprise them, confuse them. They’ll enjoy chatting about it later, I figured. Yes. I know we went to school. Do you remember? Do you remember how we related to one another back then, in those halls and classrooms. I remember it all, but I’m too old to hold a grudge, and too old to pretend like we’ve ever known each other any differently.

“It’s been a while,” I say, taking a $10 bill from him and making change in the drawer.

“Yes it has, how are you?”

“I’m alright, in school, you?”

It feels strange. I hope they don’t consider this “reconnecting with an old friend.” 10 years together and we have always been strangers. But the boy you knew then is a stranger to me too. I just cant seem to help myself here, smiling like a man with too much to say, saying, “well, have a nice holiday,” as you walk away.

Yes. It’s fun to see a familiar face after such a long time. Perhaps when we meet again, instead of stopping, when you see me, you will walk silently by, your hand in hers, moments washing over you like rain. And I will be fine, making my own friends, who remember when they first met me, who know who they are.

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Back in 2005, when I was a mere sophomore in highschool, my friend Taylor Gruye’ and I would always sit at the same table as a group of kids who would regularly play a game of Magic: The Gathering. Most of them were our friends, or friends via association if nothing else. But Taylor and I were both amused and annoyed by these immense card games. The playing card concept seemed banal and trite to our highly advanced, creative 15-year-old minds. And so we decided to come up with our own game that would mock and satirize playing cards. We, of course, called it Nothing^®. I cut a pack of 50 index cards in half, and split it between the two of us, and these were our trading cards.

One day, our friends showed up at lunch time to find me trading my Hideous Monster card for Taylor’s Washing Machine of Death card. (A far superior card, of course.) We spread our cards out on the table and began playing, like a playing card version of Calvin-ball. For a few weeks we were the talk of the lunch-room.

For a short time, I though the idea might even be marketable. This was right around the time when commercials for kids toys started to seem extremely obnoxious and stupid to me. But they inspired me. I figured, if they could sell all the crap they sell to kids now, why couldn’t I sell a pack of blank white cards? I could even sell special Premium packs, with just 7-8 “special” cards. $9.99/each. You’d buy that for your kid, wouldn’t you?

It’s a real improv game, through and through. And it really was quite a bit of fun to play. When you held the cards in your hand, you had to think totally differently about how you would use your cards because, of course, there was nothing on them, they’re blank cards. Winning and losing was something more of a mutual agreement between the players than something tangible. And in the end, we were playing more as entertainers, so we had to be able to get into one another’s minds to figure out how the game would play out.

Unfortunately, the idea was short-lived and was forgotten until just now, when I was looking through some old papers and the game instructions showed up. So, here it is for all to see.

- – -

Each Player begins with 50 Nothing^® Cards

Potions-Effect foundations, actions, or animals, can only be played once, unless summoned from discard pile using a side effect.

Animals- The main cards

Effects- Change the game play

Side effect- Can be played with an effect

Actions- A battle between all animals in play for points or other

Foundation- An effect that lasts one turn can only be played once unless summoned from the discard pile using a side effect or a potion.

Armor- Protects animals.

Character- The character card is a person in real life

To Begin: After determining a point total to play to (i.e. 10 or 3.14159265), each player draws five cards, the first to finish drawing begins their turn.

Game Play: Each player must have six cards at the beginning of the turn and less than five cards a the end of their turn, if that is not so, then a card(s) must be sacrificed from the player’s hand.

Potions: Potions can be played to make simple one-turn effects that cannot affect any future plays. They are played with the card they are affecting for the turn of the effect. They are placed face down in the bottom row until used.

Effects: When an effect card is played it modifies the way both players play Nothing^®. The effect lasts until a potion or a foundation is played or if another effect is played. No two effects can be in play at the same time.

Side effects: Sometimes when effects are played a player will play a side effect that is in effect as long as the effect is. It can affect animals, armor, actions, or the effect itself.

Foundations: When a foundation is played it changes the game play for one turn.

Actions: When an action card is played both players’ animals must fight each other in a battle that the Action card describes. When an action card is played, the battle must occur two turns after the action card is played, no sooner, no later. Both players must battle regardless of their situation.

Character: When a character card is played, whoever the card is, determines the players following moves for as many moves as the player decides. Any move made by a character card cannot be stopped by any card. Character cards are the rarest and most powerful cards. Each deck is only allowed one.

All cards on either side of the field affect each other. Only cards protected by another card are safe.

All plays must be spoken aloud.

No game can last under 8 minutes

To win: The first person to the total number of points determined at the beginning of the game wins. OR if one player loses all of her/his life points, they lose.

This is how I procrastinate. I have a test in Spanish on Monday. Okay, granted, I still have two whole days to study. Nevertheless, I made another song using Audiotool that I’m proud enough of to share with the world.

It utilizes two elements. One is called an LFO, short for Low-Frequency Oscillator, which creates a sweeping effect, generally, but I applied it to the filter so it ended up splitting the sound almost like a piece of glass bends light, which makes that tinkling sound at the beginning and end of the song. Then I learned how to use the amplitude envelope to give the chords in the background more of a beat and rhythm. It still isn’t that great, in fact I like my other song better, but I feel as though it’s another check-point in my progress in learning this software.

  -  

Today, poetry means nothing
as the sun sets, the day
ends, metaphors pass on
the meaning of nothing, and the
meaninglessness of grasping, of
reaching, and trying to get one’s
fingers around it.
Today, the universe is
elusive, hard to put my
finger on, like trying to find
the significance of an old
story; it disappears and
reappears like a mirage even
though, all the while, my heart is
fluttering and aching, passion
dripping from it like saliva, as
I sit, calmly perplexed by this
inner turbulence.

- – -

A poem from the day. Laced with meaning, but that wasn’t even the intention. These poems are usually meant  to be more for me than anyone else.

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